So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
