just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
