Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Come see our sink grown plant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
