so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
