ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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