Pappa wants mamma naked
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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