he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
