Ambien. No doubt about it.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
being pregnant is like rehab
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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