the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
