I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
