she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
