god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
