You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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