I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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