I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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