New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
