so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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