You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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