u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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