When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
