Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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