I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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