I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
