i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
