I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
