I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
