i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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