I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
