Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
