If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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