I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
