I CAN MOONWALK!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
