I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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