maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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