This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
