im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
