bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
