mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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