you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
