So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someone shattered a urinal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
