ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
