I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
