Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
