I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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