Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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