I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
