why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
