you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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