If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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