I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
