May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
