im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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