party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
