I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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