Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
