I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
