he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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