dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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